Color me all sorts of broken. (tweaked_outtt) wrote,
Color me all sorts of broken.

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Fucking up again...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I bet everyone else is thinking the same thing.
I failed another drug test. Administrative review was Tuesday... the recorded documents of all my violations in the past two and a half years was a few inches thick. Since I'm a felon, it only takes one violation to get locked up, and they've been putting up with my shit for two and half years. They're done trying to help me.
I think I even have warrents for that MIC I never took care of, and those community hours from the OTHER MIC that I still haven't made up, that were supposed to be done by early February. I've DEFINATELY got a warrent out for avaiding probation, which is a felony. Supposedly they've had me on the waiting list for a drug treatment center called Vernon for about four months now, and I had no idea. A six to nine month program. Six to nine months locked up ANYWHERE would drive me fucking insane.
I freaked out and ran away again. I've been kind of living with Neil, and he's been driving me crazy. That fool has lost his damn mind. Last night he freaked out and thought the feds were on his roof, so I had Jason come pick me up.
I took a nice, cold shower at his apartment, and did my laundry. I hadn't showered in two days. Then I ate some nice warm food.
Jason's a good guy. He takes care of me. I'm glad we can still be friends, despite everything that happened. And I'm glad that despite the fact that most of the people I hang around are sketchy, and don't care about anything but getting fucked up; there's still those few people that actually care, and want what's best for me, and do whatever they can to help me. People that I know are still going to be there when all this shit is over with.
I haven't been to school in like two weeks. Fuck school.
It's only a matter of time before they catch me, and the longer I stay gone, the harder this is going to be on me. TYC is definately an option now, which scares the shit out of me. That place would fuck me up for life. I'm not a criminal... I just make dumb decisions.
I'm thinking of turning myself in soon, because I don't want to put my mom through this, and I know she's at home worried. And because I need fucking help.
This is best for me. I won't lie, I'm terrified. Being confined is my biggest fear... but when this is all done and over with, I'll be so much happier... I'll finally have a fucking normal life.
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