Color me all sorts of broken. (tweaked_outtt) wrote,
Color me all sorts of broken.
tweaked_outtt

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I sold my soul to the devil to be God for a night...

It's been a while. I've been super busy.
I almost got married to Eric Smith... what the fuck? We broke up Christmas. That was a LONG, unhealthy, and very abusive relationship.

Christmas was shitty. It was the last time I saw Eric. We were drunk at Jaral's, and he was wearing Mandy's ring around his neck. He had just moved to Lakeway and I hadn't seen him in a week, which is the longest I had gone without him in months. He seemed so much happier there... working on boats, doing what he loved. I know how much he loves Mandy, and if that's what makes him happy, I guess I'll try to be happy for him.
I gave him his present... he loves sail boats... and a pile of his clothes and boxers, and we clung to eachother. He kissed me on the cheek, told me that he loved me, and that was the last time I saw him.

But maybe it's better this way. He treated me like SHIT, and I took it for way too long.

Aside from that, the holidays were alright. New Years was a blast. We had a week long party at Ingo's, and I stayed drunk enough to forget Eric Taylor Smith ever happened. Andrew was in town. We all missed him terribly.
A week of being non-stop drunk, and shrooming, and rolling... it was wonderful.


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Andrew and I, on Ingo's couch. I look so sad, but I'm not. I was just shrooming, and in my own little world.


I lost my mind this weekend. Too much fucking acid.
I sold my soul to the devil to be God for a night. I tasted Heaven. It tasted like power, and freedom, and it was beautiful. I lived an entire lifetime in one night.
Lathan, Brie and I bonded that night. We breathed, and thought, and felt as one being. We reached enlightenment on a bathroom floor. That bathroom was magical. I can't even put into words how amazing that night was.


My night on acid:
We started off at Neil Walker's apartment. For those of you who know Neil Walker, he's a strange kid. He's fucking lost it. Way too much acid.
He gave us about four hits each, and warned us that this trip is going to be WAY intense, and he doesn't think we can handle it. I say, "maybe we should meditate first." Neil says "if you do that, the acid Gods will come down and bitchslap you in the fucking face." Boy, was he right.
We realised that tripping acid with Neil at his apartment is NOT a good idea. That apartment has bad vibes, and bad energy. So we left, thinking that Neil would give us a bad trip. We told him we were coming back, but we didn't plan on it.

We started driving, not knowing where the hell we were going. The acid wasn't supposed to kick in for another hour or so. Ten minutes down the road, it hits us... HARD. Lathan pulls over into a parking lot. He can barely park. There's five kids skating. I roll down the window and yell, "HELP US!"
One of the kids starts driving Lathan's car, because Lathan can't. The rest of the kids follow in their car. We don't know where to go. We make it to the mall, and run out of gas. We all cram in the other kid's car, and for some reason it seems like a good idea to go to Jaral's house, even though Jaral isn't home. The kids leave us there.
We go in Jaral's shed, and start breaking shit. Jaral's dad is asleep in the house. We walk in the front door, and into Jaral's room, and then we start peaking. Now it is 11:00 at night, and we are lost in Jaral's motherfucking room. I am clawing at his bedroom door screaming "HELP!" His dad is asleep in the other room, and amazingly, doesn't wake up. Then the house alarm goes off. We try to call someone to help us, but we forgot how to use the phone.

Somehow we get a hold of Neil. Right now Neil seems like God. Like a fucking ACID God. Everything Neil has ever said suddenly makes since. Now that we see the world the way Neil sees the world... on acid... we have this new understanding for Neil. Neil is zen. Neil is chi. Neil has parts of life that we NEED. Neil has offered us this whole new world, and it is beautiful.

Neil shows up to pick us up. These people are driving, and we have no idea who they are. Neil has never met them, we have never met them... they are angels. The drive to Neil's house seemed to last forever. I look at Neil, and suddenly he is God, and the devil all at once. I have this new fear/respect for him.
So hear we are, FLYING down the highway in a car... fucking FLYING! Lights and colors go past so fast, and I am on top of the world. I am GOD. I am INVINSABLE! Cop cars fly past, sirens wailing... but they can't touch us. We're fucking invinsable. For a whole moment... I tasted Heaven. I saw my life flash before my eyes, and it was the most exhilerating experiance imaginable.
We finally made it to Neil's house. He tells us to stay on the futon, and we'll be fine. He hands us controllers, and says that for tonight, the whole world is Super Mario.
For the second time that night, I look at Neil, and I can see the devil in him. He is terrifying, and we need to be saved from this apartment AGAIN.

Lathan's brother shows up, and right now we look at him like a savior. Take us from this place, please. Take us from Neil, please.
We go to his brother's apartment, but how we got there is a blur. His apartment seems so safe... so welcoming. Lathan, Brie and I are clinging to eachother on the couch, and Lathan assures us that we are going to make it through this night together. We get under a blanket, and get lost in it. It's a whole nother universe under this blanket, and we are all connected.

Brie and I go into the bathroom, and the lights go out, and we fall to the floor, completely lost in this huge, endless bathroom... in this endless darkness. We scream for Lathan, and he comes in and turns the light on. We don't feel complete without Lathan. Lathan says "Sit dowm, and look around. This is all we need, right here. This is life. This is us. This is everything." So we sit in a circle and hold hands, and there is rainbows all around us. Everything seems so beautiful. The world seems so limitless and free. We are GOD! We can live forever. I knew EVERYTHING there was to know. I was the begining, and the end, and everything inbetween. I realised that everything is NOTHING, and knowing that is EVERYTHING. Everyone's looking so hard for answers, and reasons. Why, why, why? There is no reasons... there is no purpose. We are here, just because. Everything is what it is, just because. We are here, just to be... and it's that fucking simple. It was such a beautiful realisation that I cried.
It's like... I am the only one that exsists in this reality... MY reality. Because I can only feel MY feelings, and think MY thoughts, and see things from MY point of view. Everyone else are just reflections of me that I have created.
And God... God is real, because I have created him. The idea of God, the concept of God... I created.
God has created me, and I have created God... two nothings that make an everything. It's like a ying yang.

There, lost in that magic bathroom, we reached enlightenment. We went INSANE. For HOURS, we sat there in awe, and all we could say was "WOW".
Lathan said "Don't even speak... words are NOTHING right now. Just WOW."

We were stuck in 5:00 for ten hours that night. That ten hours WASN'T ten hours, but there is no way any of you can ever understand that. Every minute was a day. Every hour was a week. We lived, and experianced an ENTIRE lifetime in that ten hours.
Somehow we ended up BACK at Neil's house, and once again we were so relieved to be in Neil's presence... we needed Neil. We needed Neil's zen. We needed parts of life that only Neil could offer.

We were so exhausted. That had taken EVERYTHING out of us. So we slept. It wasn't really sleep... it was a deep, deep, rest. We woke up feeling so fresh, and new, and changed. The world is so beautiful now. I am so free now. I have found my fucking zen. I am the zen MASTER.
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