Color me all sorts of broken. (tweaked_outtt) wrote,
Color me all sorts of broken.

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I sold my soul to the devil to be God for a night...

It's been a while. I've been super busy.
I almost got married to Eric Smith... what the fuck? We broke up Christmas. That was a LONG, unhealthy, and very abusive relationship.

Christmas was shitty. It was the last time I saw Eric. We were drunk at Jaral's, and he was wearing Mandy's ring around his neck. He had just moved to Lakeway and I hadn't seen him in a week, which is the longest I had gone without him in months. He seemed so much happier there... working on boats, doing what he loved. I know how much he loves Mandy, and if that's what makes him happy, I guess I'll try to be happy for him.
I gave him his present... he loves sail boats... and a pile of his clothes and boxers, and we clung to eachother. He kissed me on the cheek, told me that he loved me, and that was the last time I saw him.

But maybe it's better this way. He treated me like SHIT, and I took it for way too long.

Aside from that, the holidays were alright. New Years was a blast. We had a week long party at Ingo's, and I stayed drunk enough to forget Eric Taylor Smith ever happened. Andrew was in town. We all missed him terribly.
A week of being non-stop drunk, and shrooming, and rolling... it was wonderful.

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Andrew and I, on Ingo's couch. I look so sad, but I'm not. I was just shrooming, and in my own little world.

I lost my mind this weekend. Too much fucking acid.
I sold my soul to the devil to be God for a night. I tasted Heaven. It tasted like power, and freedom, and it was beautiful. I lived an entire lifetime in one night.
Lathan, Brie and I bonded that night. We breathed, and thought, and felt as one being. We reached enlightenment on a bathroom floor. That bathroom was magical. I can't even put into words how amazing that night was.

My night on acid:
We started off at Neil Walker's apartment. For those of you who know Neil Walker, he's a strange kid. He's fucking lost it. Way too much acid.
He gave us about four hits each, and warned us that this trip is going to be WAY intense, and he doesn't think we can handle it. I say, "maybe we should meditate first." Neil says "if you do that, the acid Gods will come down and bitchslap you in the fucking face." Boy, was he right.
We realised that tripping acid with Neil at his apartment is NOT a good idea. That apartment has bad vibes, and bad energy. So we left, thinking that Neil would give us a bad trip. We told him we were coming back, but we didn't plan on it.

We started driving, not knowing where the hell we were going. The acid wasn't supposed to kick in for another hour or so. Ten minutes down the road, it hits us... HARD. Lathan pulls over into a parking lot. He can barely park. There's five kids skating. I roll down the window and yell, "HELP US!"
One of the kids starts driving Lathan's car, because Lathan can't. The rest of the kids follow in their car. We don't know where to go. We make it to the mall, and run out of gas. We all cram in the other kid's car, and for some reason it seems like a good idea to go to Jaral's house, even though Jaral isn't home. The kids leave us there.
We go in Jaral's shed, and start breaking shit. Jaral's dad is asleep in the house. We walk in the front door, and into Jaral's room, and then we start peaking. Now it is 11:00 at night, and we are lost in Jaral's motherfucking room. I am clawing at his bedroom door screaming "HELP!" His dad is asleep in the other room, and amazingly, doesn't wake up. Then the house alarm goes off. We try to call someone to help us, but we forgot how to use the phone.

Somehow we get a hold of Neil. Right now Neil seems like God. Like a fucking ACID God. Everything Neil has ever said suddenly makes since. Now that we see the world the way Neil sees the world... on acid... we have this new understanding for Neil. Neil is zen. Neil is chi. Neil has parts of life that we NEED. Neil has offered us this whole new world, and it is beautiful.

Neil shows up to pick us up. These people are driving, and we have no idea who they are. Neil has never met them, we have never met them... they are angels. The drive to Neil's house seemed to last forever. I look at Neil, and suddenly he is God, and the devil all at once. I have this new fear/respect for him.
So hear we are, FLYING down the highway in a car... fucking FLYING! Lights and colors go past so fast, and I am on top of the world. I am GOD. I am INVINSABLE! Cop cars fly past, sirens wailing... but they can't touch us. We're fucking invinsable. For a whole moment... I tasted Heaven. I saw my life flash before my eyes, and it was the most exhilerating experiance imaginable.
We finally made it to Neil's house. He tells us to stay on the futon, and we'll be fine. He hands us controllers, and says that for tonight, the whole world is Super Mario.
For the second time that night, I look at Neil, and I can see the devil in him. He is terrifying, and we need to be saved from this apartment AGAIN.

Lathan's brother shows up, and right now we look at him like a savior. Take us from this place, please. Take us from Neil, please.
We go to his brother's apartment, but how we got there is a blur. His apartment seems so safe... so welcoming. Lathan, Brie and I are clinging to eachother on the couch, and Lathan assures us that we are going to make it through this night together. We get under a blanket, and get lost in it. It's a whole nother universe under this blanket, and we are all connected.

Brie and I go into the bathroom, and the lights go out, and we fall to the floor, completely lost in this huge, endless bathroom... in this endless darkness. We scream for Lathan, and he comes in and turns the light on. We don't feel complete without Lathan. Lathan says "Sit dowm, and look around. This is all we need, right here. This is life. This is us. This is everything." So we sit in a circle and hold hands, and there is rainbows all around us. Everything seems so beautiful. The world seems so limitless and free. We are GOD! We can live forever. I knew EVERYTHING there was to know. I was the begining, and the end, and everything inbetween. I realised that everything is NOTHING, and knowing that is EVERYTHING. Everyone's looking so hard for answers, and reasons. Why, why, why? There is no reasons... there is no purpose. We are here, just because. Everything is what it is, just because. We are here, just to be... and it's that fucking simple. It was such a beautiful realisation that I cried.
It's like... I am the only one that exsists in this reality... MY reality. Because I can only feel MY feelings, and think MY thoughts, and see things from MY point of view. Everyone else are just reflections of me that I have created.
And God... God is real, because I have created him. The idea of God, the concept of God... I created.
God has created me, and I have created God... two nothings that make an everything. It's like a ying yang.

There, lost in that magic bathroom, we reached enlightenment. We went INSANE. For HOURS, we sat there in awe, and all we could say was "WOW".
Lathan said "Don't even speak... words are NOTHING right now. Just WOW."

We were stuck in 5:00 for ten hours that night. That ten hours WASN'T ten hours, but there is no way any of you can ever understand that. Every minute was a day. Every hour was a week. We lived, and experianced an ENTIRE lifetime in that ten hours.
Somehow we ended up BACK at Neil's house, and once again we were so relieved to be in Neil's presence... we needed Neil. We needed Neil's zen. We needed parts of life that only Neil could offer.

We were so exhausted. That had taken EVERYTHING out of us. So we slept. It wasn't really sleep... it was a deep, deep, rest. We woke up feeling so fresh, and new, and changed. The world is so beautiful now. I am so free now. I have found my fucking zen. I am the zen MASTER.
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first off its spelled Zen, secondly you dont find Zen, it is a title for the japanese sect of Buddhism, the two major schools being Soto and Rinazi.

3rd, no one, will ever fing enlightenment through intoxicants, drugs can show you only what its like to be on drugs, and i assure you that the peace and tranquillity will fade away almost instantly
I don't care what anyone says, that experiance changed EVERYTHING.
so HOW exactly did it change, what has changed in you?


January 10 2006, 20:00:51 UTC 11 years ago

I just see the whole world differently. Everything's so beautiful... so limitless and free. There's so much we take for granted.
thats not quite enlightenment, but it is a positive,

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so what happened to the seeing beauty in everyone?
Now aside from these comments, you are such a good writer. I could get lost in your journal entries when I sit and read them. You're so articulate and good with grammar and the way you put together your just makes me want to read more and more. And you write about interesting things that really happen. You'd make a great writer...and I love how your mind can be so imaginative and open on acid and without acid.
I can't for the life of me remember who you are.
I haven't done this livejournal shit in ages.
OH SHIT, NIGGA! This is Trish! What the hell happened to your phone?
god your journal is like a middle school fight.

those kids are lame, don't even feed into it.

jessica's mom savv this and doesnt vvant her hanging out at ingo's anymore & she's grounded. lame.
yeah... it is kind of like a middle school fight, eh?

sucks about jessica. sorry to hear that.
happens to the best of us i guess.


January 14 2006, 01:32:19 UTC 11 years ago

holy shit............ thats all i have to say........
holy fucking shit........

i have to say, you`ve been on top of the world... you saw the sights... you`ve seen the scenery..... you chilled with elvis and smoked with john lennon.......

you met jesus, he told you the meaning of life.... and he gave you a pretzle..........

i wanna trip out with yuz some dayzzzzz in the future.....

everything and nothing....
lol fa sho.
I'm guessing this was Koji. What's up, playa?



January 17 2006, 06:09:28 UTC 11 years ago

t's like... I am the only one that exsists in this reality... MY reality. Because I can only feel MY feelings, and think MY thoughts, and see things from MY point of view. Everyone else are just reflections of me that I have created.
And God... God is real, because I have created him. The idea of God, the concept of God... I created.
God has created me, and I have created God... two nothings that make an everything. It's like a ying yang.

Sounds like your being lead toward solipsism, not enlightenment. Here's what an argument for solipsism, a belief that you exist in some kind of dream world, looks like.
1. Nothing exists
2. Even if something exists, nothing can be known about it, and
3. Even if something could be known about it, knowledge about it can't be communicated to others
If you doubt the existence of other minds, then you might as well go all the way and doubt the existence of this permanent "I". It’s obviously not necessary that this “I” should be a singular entity over time. The "I" watching this text doesn't necessarily have to be the same "I" watching the text now. All we can really say is, something is seeing, something is feeling, but we cannot say (while being logically consistent with our doubting) I feel, I watch, I think. “I” implies singularity which we have no certainty to declare. Which leads me to the moral of my story; just because something isn’t certain, doesn’t mean it is false. The existence of other minds, although not certain, is still a more reasonable belief than believing in the existence of only your mind.

You also think that reality is a reflection of what you have created. Sure it could be argued that consciousness has primacy over matter. But it doesn’t follow that we consciously create reality. Can conjure up reality with your will alone, as if you were a god? I certainly can’t but I don’t know if you can, although you seem to believe you can. Reality is a mental representation that is certain, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that you create this mental representation, consciously or unconsciously. I also noticed you made a couple of comments about life being nothing. When you talk about nothing I get the feeling you’re not talking about empty space, like nothing is in my drawer. Instead I believe you are talking about absolute nothing. And if you are talking about absolute nothing, then you have no idea what you’re talking about. Your writing a word that is literally meaningless. Nothing is a contradiction of itself. I’ll try to show you why. Whenever we write a sentence, we always speak about something. Take for example the sentence, the man is white, notice that the subject of this sentence is man and the predicate (what is being said about the subject) is the subject’s whiteness. The predicate of a subject is an attribute which the subject has, like whiteness is contained in the man. Thus an attribute can only be attributed to something which exists. So taking a definition of nothing (from something that has no existence, we can conclude that nothing is a contradiction. Nothing would have to exist to have the attribute “something that has no existence.” Words cannot contradict themselves, since they are the representation of our thoughts and thoughts cannot contradict themselves. I believe it is safe to conclude that absolute nothing is a contradiction and in all of reality, which includes after death and all possible worlds, there isn’t anything that is nothing. Even if death were a dreamless sleep, it would still be something. Even before existence, whatever it was, it was not nothing. Last I want to say that you probably shouldn’t take too seriously everything you believe you have learned from a drug. I’m bet you thought that you had control of reality because of the way reality breaks apart when you’re under LSD, but you didn’t need to take LSD to understand that reality is in flux. What you experienced under LSD may indeed have been real, and I believe hallucinations are real, but it you can’t come to the conclusion that you control reality from a trip on a drug.
Whoever you are, everything you've said is absolutely correct. And I know that the feelings I felt that night were nothing more than a drug enduced dream.... and of course, though it was a life changing experiance that made me see the whole world differantly, when the drug wore off the next day, those feelings were gone. I DON'T infact think that I can control reality, but it's funny you should word it that way, because that DID used to be one of my theories when I was all tweaked out... that every man has in himself the power to manifest his own reality.

No, I was just simply describing what it felt like to be on that drug... describing my experiance, and what I was feeling at the time.
If you want to get into philosophy here are some authors and their respected work I'd recommend:

David Hume-Treatsie of Human Nature
Immanuel Kant-Critque of Pure Reason
A.J. Ayer-Truth, Language, Logic
Wittgenstein-Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus