Color me all sorts of broken. (tweaked_outtt) wrote,
Color me all sorts of broken.

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Another restless night...

It's 5:30 in the morning, and I'm far from sleep. School's in a few hours, and I really don't want to go. Nikki's asleep on the couch, I can hear her heavy breathing through the thin walls. I think the air conditioner in this house is broken. This room is BURNING up, but for some reason I don't feel like taking my jacket off. I don't even have the energy to take my jacket off. I've been sitting here in the same position, staring at this computer screen for almost six hours now. No wonder my legs are starting to go numb. My palms are so sweaty, I can barely type. I'm down to one last cigarette, and it's the last cigarette I'll have for another ten hours or so. I can already tell, this is going to be a LONG day. This week went by unbelievably fast, and the past few weeks are such a blur. I think I hear an alarm going off in the other room, or maybe that's just my head fucking with me. Lack of sleep tends to do that. After this hit, I'll be out. This is the last of the dope, and I know all too well what second period is going to be like today. I'll start coming down HARD, and in school there's really nothing you can do about it but wait it out. My entire body aches, but I should be used to this by now. I can't remember the last time I got a full night's rest... I don't remember the last time I was running on more than a few hours of sleep. I don't know what I expected... I didn't even have enough dope to get high. Well shit, a little something to perk me up is better than nothing at all, right? At least something to keep me up. I didn't sleep last night either. I would have crashed HARD. Josh was nice enough to pinch me a few shards, I should be grateful. No matter how much I had, I have a feeling it wouldn't be quite enough. And eventually I would have to run out. Eventually I would have to come down. Oh, but wouldn't it be nice to stay high forever.
Ha... I'm starting to sound like a fucking dope fiend.
No way, man. Not me. I ain't no fucking junkie. Never been a junkie, never will be a junkie. Junkie's are like Sean and Thomas. Junkie's are like Mike and all his homeboys. I'm not even CLOSE to a junkie... I just like smoking dope. It's different.

And it's kind of sad, that this is what my life has come to. This is ALL my life consists of now... restless nights, lying awake in bed, just waiting for morning... running out of dope, coming down hard, and desperate to get more. Lately it feels like I'm ALWAYS coming down off something. I don't even really have time to enjoy the high anymore, because I'm too god damn worried about finding more, and finding more SOON. It's not even really a chemical thing as much as it is.... well... it's fear is what it is. It's like I can't stand the feeling of being sober anymore. And I'll do ANYTHING, TAKE anything, SMOKE anything, SNORT anything, just to make that feeling go away. Every time the high starts to fade away, I panick. I don't get it... sober used to be okay. Sober used to be NORMAL. Now sobriety is a terrifying, foreign feeling.
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