Color me all sorts of broken. (tweaked_outtt) wrote,
Color me all sorts of broken.
tweaked_outtt

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"Somebody get me out of here, I'm tearing at myself."

This will probably be my last entry for quite a while.
I'm sorry to everyone I've dissappointed, and I'm sorry to everyone I've let down. I'm sorry to everyone that tried so hard for me, and sat by and watched me destroy myself. I'm sorry to everyone who just couldn't take it anymore and had to give up on me. Because I've just accepted that I'm beyond help, and I'm a waste of everyone's time.

I can't fuck up anymore where I'm going. It's going to take a miracle for me to pass the piss test tomarrow. And I don't think God likes me all that much. I've taken every pill I can get my hands on to help flush my sytem. I've got powders, and gels, and pills out the asshole. I downed a bottle of bleach water, I've downed a big ass cup of straight up vinegar... all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope for the best, or grit and bear the consiquences of being such a fuck up.

But no big deal if I fail, right? Just being detained for ten days or so. Nothing to sweat. That's what I figured.
I spent the night at Aaron's last night. One last time to party my little heart out. I'm invincable when I'm high. Nothing matters when I'm high. Between Aaron and I, that whole quarter ounce was gone by morning.
My mom called the next day to tell me that my PO had been looking for me. I finally got a hold of her, high as shit, and she gave me the number to some place in Dallas they're sending me to, so I could do an assesment over the phone. She said this five minute phone conversation was vital, because if I didn't come off as cooperative, and didn't get accepted, they had a nice phacility waiting for me in Corpus. A nine month placement. Close campus... in other words, complete lock down. The state would be more than happy to pay for my stay THERE. The lady asked if I had done any drugs in the past thirty days. I said no. I didn't know what else to say. The lady said I didn't qualify for in-patient, and now it was all up to wheather or not the state felt like wasting their money on me to be in such a nice place.

Court's 9:00 tomarrow morning. Everyone's expecting me to pass. But I don't even know if they believe me when I say that I'm clean anymore.

I wish I could just make all of this go away. I've never felt so overwhelmed in my whole life.
I need Justin here so bad. I need someone to hold me.
Justin doesn't give a shit though. I haven't even talked to him in two days. He's got better things to do than spend these last few days with me. He'd fucking KILL me if he knew I fucked up again. I wish I could be better for him.
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