Today I drove all around town with Mike while he "ran erronds", and got the day's worth of hustling taken care of. I hate being around people when they're hustling, and I hate being a part of that shit. I don't even like being around it anymore. That's how Mike makes a living, and I can respect that, but when Sean got locked up, and everyone else ended up either in jail or rehab... I was relieved to be away from that shit. I don't want to be involved with the game, OR the people anymore. At least not when they're "working".
I talked to Justin for three hours today. I feel SO relieved now that we've worked things out.
That kid is so fucking wonderful. He makes me feel like a little kid again. When I'm talking to him, nothing else matters. All my problems seem so petty, and they no longer overwhelm me. And he actually, sincerely wants what's best for me. That's the most comforting feeling in the world.
I haven't had feelings for a guy since Austin. It had gotten to the point where I COULDN'T have feelings for anyone, even if I tried. I'd always find little flaws in every guy, and reasons to push them away. Every little fling, or potential fling, was nothing more to me than something to preoccupy my time. Just someone to kiss on for the time being. And even if I TRIED I couldn't make myself feel anything more than that. It was starting to scare me. Freeman, Levi, Josh... they were all sweet guys, but I just couldn't feel passionate about them. Or comforted by them. I was begining to think I had just completely numbed myself, and would never get attatched to anyone again.
Then along comes Justin, and he makes me so happy I could burst. I felt like a giddy little school girl again. I fell sleep happy, I woke up happy, and when I was with him I couldn't stop smiling. I was actually genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. And when I thought I lost that, I was about ready to completely give up on guys. He went at least a week without talking to me, and I didn't have a chance of getting a word in with him on the phone, so I wrote him a letter telling him everything he never gave me the chance to say. And I'm pretty damn good with words, if I might say so myself. I figured he wouldn't even bother to read it, but he did, and he said it really made him think, so he called me today for the first time in a week or two.
He explained to me that he wasn't like Matt, and he wasn't going to just sit back and watch while I fucked up my life. He wasn't going to take my mistakes over and over again like Matt did. HE wouldn't stand for that. He said he wanted me to stay clean not because he was a jackass, but because he really cared about me, and that nothing I said would convince him that I was capable of staying clean now that I'd lost his trust. He said If I wanted him to believe me, he didn't want me to tell him, he wanted me to SHOW him.
I told him I was starting to get really attatched to him, and it scared me. I told him I was scared to getting close to someone, and scared of losing someone all over again, and scared of going through another heartbreak, and scared of getting hurt for the millionth time. He promsied me he would never hurt me, and he would do whatever he could to make sure I was happy. He said all he wanted for me was to get better.
And our conversation was just just three hours of sweet assuring things like that. I've heard all that shit before, but for once it was actually SINCERE. And I can tell.
I'm actually going to try for him. I'm going to get my shit together finally... if not for myself, for him. Because this one's a keeper. I don't want to fuck this up.
I'm just so scared that when I get back from rehab he'll have found someone new. Someone better. He said he couldn't promise anything, but he COULD promise that if anything WERE to happen while I was away, he would always be here for me as a friend, because he knew how much I needed people that care in my life right now. But it wasn't like when Austin told me that. Justin actually meant it.
Now for my daily pointless rant about nothing:
I was talking to Kaylan today, and completely opening up to her. (She's in Dallas for a few weeks and living it up.) We talked about a lot of things I needed to talk about, and I told her a lot of things I've never told anyone before. It felt kind of good to finally tell someone about some of the things that eat me up inside. There's a lot about me no one knows. I just don't like burdening people with my problems when I know they have their own to deal with. And there's a lot of things that I just try to forget happened, and some things I just don't like talking about.
Besides, the more people know about you, the more people judge you. And most times it's pretty hard to trust people to keep their mouth shut anyway. There's nothing more frustrating than the whole world knowing about your personal life.
Most things that get spread around I have no control over. People will always talk. But there is SOME things that I can keep to myself. And I figure the only way too truly have a personal life, and keep the things you don't want known unknown, is to simply keep everything to yourself. So from now on, I'm done opening up to anyone. I like having things to keep to myself anyway. It makes me feel secure. And if no one ever knows about the things that I think about, or the things I do, or some of the horrible things I've gone through... I appear more sane.
The only two people in the whole world that truly understand me and know everything about me are Sarina and Kaylan. The loves of my life.
I haven't had Sarina to talk to for the past week though. She's living it up in Kirville, and after that she's off to California for a few months. Lucky gal.
PS, everyone leave your adress so I can write shitloads of letters from rehab. I'll have nothing better to do with my time.
Eep... I'm going to come back such a nutcase. Even more than I already am.