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Last night's underwear in my back pocket... [entries|friends|calendar]
Color me all sorts of broken.

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God damn it's been a year. [July 23rd, 2007; 10:19am]
So I know no one reads this anymore. I kind of forgot it exsisted, I'm just updating for myself. I've been locked up a few more times. Got drunk and cut off my ankle monitor, ran away, failed five drug tests in a row for meth, started selling ecstasy and eating it like fucking candy. I got even worse into meth. I had drug tests weekly, and couldn't even put the pipe down long enough to pass a single one. I'd show up to meetings every day sleep deprived, food deprived, with blisters all over my fingers from hitting the pipe all night, desperate for help, then come home and within the hour I'd be digging in the trash for the meth pipe. I haven't touched it since April, which is the longest I've ever gone aside from being locked up. Got back with Jason and stayed with him for almost a year. That didn't work out. I'm doing good. Got sent to a penticostle cult in Alabama. Was supposed to stay for two years, but I left on my 18th birthday. They told me I was going to hell for leaving and it was against God's will, blah blah blah. Fucked with my head for a while. Don't talk to anyone from high school anymore. Don't talk to anyone at all anymore really, except my best friend Brittney who is wonderful, and my fience. Yeah I got engaged. To Freeman. Ha... yeah, I'm surprised too. I'm finally off probation. After four years of Hell. Jordan stopped talking to me. It still hurts every now and then. I will never love anyone the way I loved Jordan. I just called him today for the first time in months, and we're trying to be on good terms. He's moving to Kentucky in August. I hate losing people. The week I got back from Alabama I met a boy named Jay and moved in with him right away. Lived with him for three months in his filthy apartment, drinking and fighting, drinking and fighting. Moved out and moved in with my big brother in south Austin. Loved every minute of it. Me and Brittney had a hell of a time for that whole two months. My brother got sick of my drinking and me selling exstacy out of his house, so he kicked me out. Was homeless for a few months, and my mom finally took me back. I've been living with her, staying with Freeman in Fort Hood on the weekends. He's great. I've been through a few jobs since I last updated, got fired from most of them, quit a few of them. Just got a job at a doggy boarding school, training dogs, which will be nice.
C'mon, kill me.

I'M BACK! [July 22nd, 2006; 10:51pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Damn it feels good to be home!
I've spent the last six months in a "correctional facility". Long story short, Leander cops planted meth on me, and I got sent to jail. From jail I was transfered to Vernon, Texas, which is just a fancy word for Hell.
I'm on house arrest for a month, and this damn ankle moniter is driving me nuts. I sit on my ass all day playing video games and chain smoking cigarettes.
I got my G.E.D., so I'm done with high school. I'm looking for a full time job right now, which is harder than I thought it would be. I filled out a million applications yesterday.

I've grown up so much in the past six months. It's fucking crazy how much you can learn about yourself when you're sober. I feel at peace with myself.

6 comments x C'mon, kill me.

[February 20th, 2006; 11:41am]
In rehab by Oklahoma for 5 months.

Kristin Stevenson
P.O. box 2231
Vernon, Tx 76385

write me
1 comment x C'mon, kill me.

Fucking up again... [January 13th, 2006; 8:14pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I bet everyone else is thinking the same thing.
I failed another drug test. Administrative review was Tuesday... the recorded documents of all my violations in the past two and a half years was a few inches thick. Since I'm a felon, it only takes one violation to get locked up, and they've been putting up with my shit for two and half years. They're done trying to help me.
I think I even have warrents for that MIC I never took care of, and those community hours from the OTHER MIC that I still haven't made up, that were supposed to be done by early February. I've DEFINATELY got a warrent out for avaiding probation, which is a felony. Supposedly they've had me on the waiting list for a drug treatment center called Vernon for about four months now, and I had no idea. A six to nine month program. Six to nine months locked up ANYWHERE would drive me fucking insane.
I freaked out and ran away again. I've been kind of living with Neil, and he's been driving me crazy. That fool has lost his damn mind. Last night he freaked out and thought the feds were on his roof, so I had Jason come pick me up.
I took a nice, cold shower at his apartment, and did my laundry. I hadn't showered in two days. Then I ate some nice warm food.
Jason's a good guy. He takes care of me. I'm glad we can still be friends, despite everything that happened. And I'm glad that despite the fact that most of the people I hang around are sketchy, and don't care about anything but getting fucked up; there's still those few people that actually care, and want what's best for me, and do whatever they can to help me. People that I know are still going to be there when all this shit is over with.
I haven't been to school in like two weeks. Fuck school.
It's only a matter of time before they catch me, and the longer I stay gone, the harder this is going to be on me. TYC is definately an option now, which scares the shit out of me. That place would fuck me up for life. I'm not a criminal... I just make dumb decisions.
I'm thinking of turning myself in soon, because I don't want to put my mom through this, and I know she's at home worried. And because I need fucking help.
This is best for me. I won't lie, I'm terrified. Being confined is my biggest fear... but when this is all done and over with, I'll be so much happier... I'll finally have a fucking normal life.

C'mon, kill me.

I sold my soul to the devil to be God for a night... [January 10th, 2006; 9:44am]
[ mood | content ]

It's been a while. I've been super busy.
I almost got married to Eric Smith... what the fuck? We broke up Christmas. That was a LONG, unhealthy, and very abusive relationship.

Christmas was shitty. It was the last time I saw Eric. We were drunk at Jaral's, and he was wearing Mandy's ring around his neck. He had just moved to Lakeway and I hadn't seen him in a week, which is the longest I had gone without him in months. He seemed so much happier there... working on boats, doing what he loved. I know how much he loves Mandy, and if that's what makes him happy, I guess I'll try to be happy for him.
I gave him his present... he loves sail boats... and a pile of his clothes and boxers, and we clung to eachother. He kissed me on the cheek, told me that he loved me, and that was the last time I saw him.

But maybe it's better this way. He treated me like SHIT, and I took it for way too long.

Aside from that, the holidays were alright. New Years was a blast. We had a week long party at Ingo's, and I stayed drunk enough to forget Eric Taylor Smith ever happened. Andrew was in town. We all missed him terribly.
A week of being non-stop drunk, and shrooming, and rolling... it was wonderful.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Andrew and I, on Ingo's couch. I look so sad, but I'm not. I was just shrooming, and in my own little world.


I lost my mind this weekend. Too much fucking acid.
I sold my soul to the devil to be God for a night. I tasted Heaven. It tasted like power, and freedom, and it was beautiful. I lived an entire lifetime in one night.
Lathan, Brie and I bonded that night. We breathed, and thought, and felt as one being. We reached enlightenment on a bathroom floor. That bathroom was magical. I can't even put into words how amazing that night was.


My night on acid:
We started off at Neil Walker's apartment. For those of you who know Neil Walker, he's a strange kid. He's fucking lost it. Way too much acid.
He gave us about four hits each, and warned us that this trip is going to be WAY intense, and he doesn't think we can handle it. I say, "maybe we should meditate first." Neil says "if you do that, the acid Gods will come down and bitchslap you in the fucking face." Boy, was he right.
We realised that tripping acid with Neil at his apartment is NOT a good idea. That apartment has bad vibes, and bad energy. So we left, thinking that Neil would give us a bad trip. We told him we were coming back, but we didn't plan on it.

We started driving, not knowing where the hell we were going. The acid wasn't supposed to kick in for another hour or so. Ten minutes down the road, it hits us... HARD. Lathan pulls over into a parking lot. He can barely park. There's five kids skating. I roll down the window and yell, "HELP US!"
One of the kids starts driving Lathan's car, because Lathan can't. The rest of the kids follow in their car. We don't know where to go. We make it to the mall, and run out of gas. We all cram in the other kid's car, and for some reason it seems like a good idea to go to Jaral's house, even though Jaral isn't home. The kids leave us there.
We go in Jaral's shed, and start breaking shit. Jaral's dad is asleep in the house. We walk in the front door, and into Jaral's room, and then we start peaking. Now it is 11:00 at night, and we are lost in Jaral's motherfucking room. I am clawing at his bedroom door screaming "HELP!" His dad is asleep in the other room, and amazingly, doesn't wake up. Then the house alarm goes off. We try to call someone to help us, but we forgot how to use the phone.

Somehow we get a hold of Neil. Right now Neil seems like God. Like a fucking ACID God. Everything Neil has ever said suddenly makes since. Now that we see the world the way Neil sees the world... on acid... we have this new understanding for Neil. Neil is zen. Neil is chi. Neil has parts of life that we NEED. Neil has offered us this whole new world, and it is beautiful.

Neil shows up to pick us up. These people are driving, and we have no idea who they are. Neil has never met them, we have never met them... they are angels. The drive to Neil's house seemed to last forever. I look at Neil, and suddenly he is God, and the devil all at once. I have this new fear/respect for him.
So hear we are, FLYING down the highway in a car... fucking FLYING! Lights and colors go past so fast, and I am on top of the world. I am GOD. I am INVINSABLE! Cop cars fly past, sirens wailing... but they can't touch us. We're fucking invinsable. For a whole moment... I tasted Heaven. I saw my life flash before my eyes, and it was the most exhilerating experiance imaginable.
We finally made it to Neil's house. He tells us to stay on the futon, and we'll be fine. He hands us controllers, and says that for tonight, the whole world is Super Mario.
For the second time that night, I look at Neil, and I can see the devil in him. He is terrifying, and we need to be saved from this apartment AGAIN.

Lathan's brother shows up, and right now we look at him like a savior. Take us from this place, please. Take us from Neil, please.
We go to his brother's apartment, but how we got there is a blur. His apartment seems so safe... so welcoming. Lathan, Brie and I are clinging to eachother on the couch, and Lathan assures us that we are going to make it through this night together. We get under a blanket, and get lost in it. It's a whole nother universe under this blanket, and we are all connected.

Brie and I go into the bathroom, and the lights go out, and we fall to the floor, completely lost in this huge, endless bathroom... in this endless darkness. We scream for Lathan, and he comes in and turns the light on. We don't feel complete without Lathan. Lathan says "Sit dowm, and look around. This is all we need, right here. This is life. This is us. This is everything." So we sit in a circle and hold hands, and there is rainbows all around us. Everything seems so beautiful. The world seems so limitless and free. We are GOD! We can live forever. I knew EVERYTHING there was to know. I was the begining, and the end, and everything inbetween. I realised that everything is NOTHING, and knowing that is EVERYTHING. Everyone's looking so hard for answers, and reasons. Why, why, why? There is no reasons... there is no purpose. We are here, just because. Everything is what it is, just because. We are here, just to be... and it's that fucking simple. It was such a beautiful realisation that I cried.
It's like... I am the only one that exsists in this reality... MY reality. Because I can only feel MY feelings, and think MY thoughts, and see things from MY point of view. Everyone else are just reflections of me that I have created.
And God... God is real, because I have created him. The idea of God, the concept of God... I created.
God has created me, and I have created God... two nothings that make an everything. It's like a ying yang.

There, lost in that magic bathroom, we reached enlightenment. We went INSANE. For HOURS, we sat there in awe, and all we could say was "WOW".
Lathan said "Don't even speak... words are NOTHING right now. Just WOW."

We were stuck in 5:00 for ten hours that night. That ten hours WASN'T ten hours, but there is no way any of you can ever understand that. Every minute was a day. Every hour was a week. We lived, and experianced an ENTIRE lifetime in that ten hours.
Somehow we ended up BACK at Neil's house, and once again we were so relieved to be in Neil's presence... we needed Neil. We needed Neil's zen. We needed parts of life that only Neil could offer.

We were so exhausted. That had taken EVERYTHING out of us. So we slept. It wasn't really sleep... it was a deep, deep, rest. We woke up feeling so fresh, and new, and changed. The world is so beautiful now. I am so free now. I have found my fucking zen. I am the zen MASTER.

16 comments x C'mon, kill me.

Yeah, I'm still alive. [November 24th, 2005; 4:40pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

New school. Fucking sucks. About to go to LEO.
I miss Cedar Park. I have no life, I don't talk to ANYONE anymore.
512-996-9188 if anyone needs to get ahold of me, since I'm never around anymore.

Probation's stressful as hell, like always. I need a car, I need a job... same old shit.
I got an assult charge on Sunday. It was bullshit.
I have like a million community service hours from that MIC.

I don't have much of a life anymore. Eric, school, Eric, school... that's it. But I'm not complaining.

It's Thanksgiving, and usually I fucking HATE Thanksgiving, but this year it's not so bad.
Eric and I stayed at Kevin's last night. Played poker on the new poker table. We stayed up fighting all night, like always. But then we made up watching the sunset over the lake on the hood of Kevin's car. Beautiful. Ate lunch with my dad.

Eric and Kevin are in the living room watching the game. It was pissing me off, so I left the room. We're getting our fucking asses kicked. Dallas was doing so good this season too! They'll catch up by half time though. I'm sporting my Dallas jersey and everything, man.


//EDIT//
It's half time, and we're tied, 14 to 14. GO COWBOYS, GO!



My computer's still crashed. It's been like two months. I'm going through withdrawls.

5 comments x C'mon, kill me.

This shit's getting really old, really fast... I think it's about time to grow up. [October 21st, 2005; 8:01pm]
[ mood | bored ]

The past few weeks have been CRAZY!
Last night sucked. I got locked out, so I spent two hours stacking chairs on top of the AC vent, trying to get on my roof. Didn't work. So I curled up in a ball behind the AC vent and tried to get some sleep.

Last week was insane. I took a little five day adventure. Finally got back on Tuesday. I got fed up with probation, so I was like FUCK IT. I needed a little break.
I chilled in Round Rock for a few nights... just jumping from couch to couch, living off fast food. I kind of like being homeless. I had NOTHING but the clothes I was wearing. Not even shoes. Those clothes were starting to feel pretty gross after five days.
Saturday night, Justin, Josh and I spontaniously decided to take a trip to the coast. We didn't really bring anything but a tent, Justin's 80 dollar pay check, and a fat sack of weed... it got kind of cold without blankets. I slept the whole five hours to Port Aransas, which by the way is the coolest island EVER. We met some random beach kids after like five minutes of being on the island, and chilled with them for a little bit. When it got dark we pitched a tent on the beach and enjoyed the scenery. The cops there are tight as fuck... they rolled by and just waved at us while we were smoking a blunt on the beach. It's no where NEAR that chilled out in Austin.

Jason and Izzy broke up... but it's still akward between us. I doubt I'd get back with him anyways though. I'm kind of enjoying the single life.

2 comments x C'mon, kill me.

Another restless night... [October 14th, 2005; 5:37am]
[ mood | numb ]

It's 5:30 in the morning, and I'm far from sleep. School's in a few hours, and I really don't want to go. Nikki's asleep on the couch, I can hear her heavy breathing through the thin walls. I think the air conditioner in this house is broken. This room is BURNING up, but for some reason I don't feel like taking my jacket off. I don't even have the energy to take my jacket off. I've been sitting here in the same position, staring at this computer screen for almost six hours now. No wonder my legs are starting to go numb. My palms are so sweaty, I can barely type. I'm down to one last cigarette, and it's the last cigarette I'll have for another ten hours or so. I can already tell, this is going to be a LONG day. This week went by unbelievably fast, and the past few weeks are such a blur. I think I hear an alarm going off in the other room, or maybe that's just my head fucking with me. Lack of sleep tends to do that. After this hit, I'll be out. This is the last of the dope, and I know all too well what second period is going to be like today. I'll start coming down HARD, and in school there's really nothing you can do about it but wait it out. My entire body aches, but I should be used to this by now. I can't remember the last time I got a full night's rest... I don't remember the last time I was running on more than a few hours of sleep. I don't know what I expected... I didn't even have enough dope to get high. Well shit, a little something to perk me up is better than nothing at all, right? At least something to keep me up. I didn't sleep last night either. I would have crashed HARD. Josh was nice enough to pinch me a few shards, I should be grateful. No matter how much I had, I have a feeling it wouldn't be quite enough. And eventually I would have to run out. Eventually I would have to come down. Oh, but wouldn't it be nice to stay high forever.
Ha... I'm starting to sound like a fucking dope fiend.
No way, man. Not me. I ain't no fucking junkie. Never been a junkie, never will be a junkie. Junkie's are like Sean and Thomas. Junkie's are like Mike and all his homeboys. I'm not even CLOSE to a junkie... I just like smoking dope. It's different.

And it's kind of sad, that this is what my life has come to. This is ALL my life consists of now... restless nights, lying awake in bed, just waiting for morning... running out of dope, coming down hard, and desperate to get more. Lately it feels like I'm ALWAYS coming down off something. I don't even really have time to enjoy the high anymore, because I'm too god damn worried about finding more, and finding more SOON. It's not even really a chemical thing as much as it is.... well... it's fear is what it is. It's like I can't stand the feeling of being sober anymore. And I'll do ANYTHING, TAKE anything, SMOKE anything, SNORT anything, just to make that feeling go away. Every time the high starts to fade away, I panick. I don't get it... sober used to be okay. Sober used to be NORMAL. Now sobriety is a terrifying, foreign feeling.

C'mon, kill me.

It's been a while. [October 14th, 2005; 1:50am]
[ mood | numb ]

Mannn... I used to update this thing religiously, and lately I just don't give a shit. I've been busy, busy, busy, and dealing with shit... as always.

The past few weeks have gone by so fast. School's weird this year. People are weird this year. Everything's kind of different. Especially Jordan. I still have my Sarina though. Sheit, I'll always have my nigga Sarina.

It's kind of strange, and a little bit relieving... for the first time in my life, the last thing I want is to get involved with anyone. For the first time since as long as I can remember, I don't feel like I NEED someone to be okay. It feels kind of nice. It's about time I grew up, and stopped clinging to every guy that shows me the least bit of affection. I'm just going to wait until the right guy finds me, and when he does I'm sure I'll know. And hey, it might not be for a while, but that's okay. I'm going to wait until I find someone that I can actually settle down with. And until then... man, I'm just chillin'. As long as there's beer to preoccupy me, I'll be aight.

I'm supposed to chill with Travis this weekend. I miss that kid. We walked around the townhomes the other night for like an hour having a political conversation, and I can't really get into those anymore like I used to. I feel so brain dead lately.

It's like 1:00 in the morning, and everyone's sleeping because they're fags and they have school tomorrow. I just got back from Sidepocket, which is totally lame now that they banned smoking. Justin and Josh tried to teach me how to play pool... I'm not half bad.


I'm using Nikki's computer right now. Mine crashed, and it is fucking DEAD. Deceaced. No more.
The other one got stolen by FBI agents two years ago, and we don't have the money for a new one, so I probably won't be updating often AT ALL... for those of you that actually find entertainment in reading this.



In the words of Luda:
"When life feels hopeless, it make a nigga lose focus....
empty beer bottles, and roaches.
It helps to get it off my chest, 'cause I'm so stressed.
And all I hear is... FUCK THE WORLD!"

1 comment x C'mon, kill me.

*bang bang*, Weener's dead. [September 25th, 2005; 4:35am]
[ mood | kill me ]

Life is shitty.

Mike got out of jail, and he's stressing me the hell out.
(He made me a flower out of toilet paper while he was locked up though... how cute is that?)

Jason and I broke up, because I'm a dumbass. I had to stuff all his letters and pictures in a drawer. I've been absolutely MISERABLE the past few weeks. As most of you know, I don't handle break ups well.
Jesus Christ, I only dated Jason a few months, and it feels like the end of the world. I can't eat, I can't sleep... this is like Matt all over again. Fucking shoot me. I need to stop getting so attatched to people and then fucking up. I ALWAYS fuck up.

All those Georgetown rednecks are assholes. Justin's an asshole. I should never drink again. I'm so fucking stupid when I drink.
Yeah... everyone was talking about that night for a while, and I have never been so ashamed of myself in my entire life. Yeah... I hate myself. That's fucked up that they would do that to me though.
Why do I care so god damn much what Justin thinks of me anyways? He's just a stupid hick.

I got arrested last week at a party in Round Rock. I was drunk. The whole night's a blur. My probation officer was PISSED.

Tonight was good though. For the first time since Jason left me, I was SO fucking happy. Megan and all her hippy friends from Kerville came down, and it was nice. I was so happy I thought I would explode... then I started coming down, and I remembered why I was so upset all the time.

It's like 4:00 in the morning and I just threw up cough syrup all over the carpet. That was disgusting. I feel like shit. Jason's online. He's not talking to me.

I want to fucking strangle Izzy. I can't believe she'd fucking do that to me.


I feel so empty. There's so many people I could be with if I wanted... but I don't want to be with any of them. I want Jason.

Jordan and I are drifting apart, and it doesn't even feel like we're friends anymore. Infact... he's kind of an asshole to me nowadays. Man... sometimes it felt like that kid was all I had. He was supposed to be my best friend forever. But shit happens, I guess. And you lose people, and you move on with life.
Kaylan's way too cool for me this year. And Sarina's way too busy.

So basically I'm kind of pathetic and alone, and fuck everyone.

4 comments x C'mon, kill me.

Bad weekend. [September 5th, 2005; 7:03pm]
[ mood | bummed ]

Bleh. Rough weekend. I've been pretty bummed lately about shit I don't really feel like explaining, and really drunk.

Friday: Well... I'll skip Friday. Friday sucked.
Saturday: Crying, sadness, blah blah blah, so Jordan and Andrew came over to make me feel better. I needed to get my mind off things and get out of the house, so we went to Ingo's and got FUCKED UP. I played with Andrew's hair for hours.
Sunday: CRAZY kicker party out on Lindsey's land. We drove around in pick up trucks and shot things. Justin was there. I got plastered and passed out in the bushes. Gurley carried me somewhere. I woke up in the back of a pick up truck at 7:00 in the morning.


Court was Tuesday. I thought I would only have seven more months of probation, but it's going to be a whole nother year. Liscence got suspended for six months... all that good stuff. I'm not too worried about it. I just need to stop toking up.

2 comments x C'mon, kill me.

I'M BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS! [August 27th, 2005; 10:26am]
[ mood | hungover ]

I'M BACK!!!

When I said 28 days, I meant more like two months. And shit, it feels great to be home. I was so overwhelmed I actually cried when I walked in my house. How pathetic is that?
I got home yesterday after a four hour car ride home, and of course my first night back I partied. I almost forgot how much hangovers suck.

It's fucking WEIRD being home. Rehab kind of became home. It was so routine that I keep getting uncomfortable with sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I feel like I should be at a meeting or something.
Court September first, and seven more months of probation. Meetings four times a week. Not that bad. Hopefully I won't fuck up anymore. Hopefully the judge will have mercy on me because I went to rehab.
I found out I'm bi-polar. Not sleeping (without the help of drugs) kind of sets it off, so every once in a while I'd snap and go crazy. Throwin' shit, and yelling. I can't stand controlled environments. When I'd get like that it only lasts like a day. My logic will be so fucked, and my mind will be racing with these absolutely crazy ideas. One day I was convinced the whole staff was robots. (But trust me, there was logic behind this. Most of the kids even started to believe it.)
I was standing on the pool table one day throwing apples at the wall, and yelling obscinities, and the staff memebers were yelling at me to get down so I just yelled louder. They told me to put shoes on, so I jumped down and ran around the room screaming "I will not wear shoes, I WILL NOT!". I also decided to rebel against society that day (I was a bit dilusional from lack of sleep) and for the entire day I refused to wear shoes, sit in chairs, or eat meat. I even tried to stop smoking. I had a sit in at the cafeteria, and I felt like a hippy. I drove the staff crazy.

The doctors tried their damndest to make me take these mood stabalizer pills, because I was always ranting to them about government conspiracies, and CVS Pharmacy cults, and how the world was out to brainwash me. There was a whole day when I decided rehab was a cult, and they were trying to control my brain. So the doctors would fuck with me, and tell me to write "medicine is good" 100 times. They had a meeting about me, because they were concerned with my "mood swings", and decieded it was VITAL that I take these pills, because obviously I'm not capable of stabalizing my own god damn mood. They threatened to transfer me to some Scott and White psychiatric phacility if I didn't take them, and I spit it out and told the nurse to shove it up her ass. I yelled at her for a good five minutes about my rights as an American. They KNEW how morally oppossed I was to taking meds. What the fuck ever happened to free will anyways? That's just one more chemical I don't need to become dependant of. Society today is so fucked. We've been corrupted to believe that whenever something goes wrong, there's always a pill to make it better. We were all in rehab beacuse of chemical dependancy, yet they'll find any possible reason to shove shit tons of pills down our throat so that we comply. The way I see it, if you need a pill to be "normal", that's not normal.
We chanted prayers, which freaked me out, then we went to meeting, after meeting, after meeting.

I met some cool people. For the most part, the people sucked though. They were all so fucking fake. It's like they didn't even have a personality... they were just what everyone wanted them to be. It's disgusting. Most people are all about image these days. But really, who the fuck is there to impress in rehab? The most pathetic indavidual was Casey, the compulsive liar. She lied about EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be surprised if her name wasn't really even Casey. She was fun to make fun of though. Then there was Audrey, who was a compulsive liar as well. She was this big white bitch who thought she was black. She made up stories about all her black boyfriends who got jealous when boys looked at her (trust me, no one would want to look at this bitch) and her ex fience that stabbed her in the foot with a screwdriver, and all her black babies (who's names constantly changed), and all her miscarriages (which is why she's fat, she says). She went around stealing everyone's cigarettes, and I wanted to shove my foot up her fat clepto ass. This Mexican bitch Esmer was always starting shit with me. These are the kids I make fun of in school. The annoying, obnoxious fags that try way too hard to be something they're not... and I had to live with them for almost two months. Katie and Megan were tight though. Two badass hippy chicks I roomed with. Megan could play guitar beautifully, and it was always fun to watch her spin lights at night time. Katie was fucking hilarious, and she loved to be naked.

Night times were always the best. I was out in the middle of nowhere, way out in the hillcountry, in this honky tonk ass town called, Hunt, Texas. Nothing but open space and hills. At nights you could see the stars, and all the deer, and armidillos, and rabbits, and roadrnuners came out to play. We'd all sit around smoking cigarettes while Megan played guitar.
Jordan came to visit me while I was there. It was nice to see him. He brought me some liquor he was going to sneak in, because this whole staying sober nonsense is whack, but of course, being him, he drank it all on the way, and came to see me drunk.

All in all, it wasn't so bad. We'd go kayaking for miles, and intertubing, and skinnydipping in the river, and bowling, and all that fun jazz.It didn't feel like I was there as long as I was. Oh, how time flies when you're having fun.

We went to marijuana anonymous meetings every week.
"Hi, my name is Kristin, and I'm a marijuana addict."
"Hi, Kristin!"
Yeah... it was fucking rediculous.
The red pills they tried to give us in the morning were brainwashing pills. We always spit those out.

And that was pretty much my life the past few months. It's done and over with now, and all just another chapter in the crazy soap opera that is my life.

4 comments x C'mon, kill me.

We're watching the news. [July 11th, 2005; 6:07pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

I'm at Jason's apartment. He's amazing.

I'm finally getting sent off to rehab. FINALLY. I'm leaving tomorrow morning, and it will be like a three hour road trip. I'll be there for about 28 days.


Jason is fucking INCREADABLE. The end.

4 comments x C'mon, kill me.

[July 6th, 2005; 2:02pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Summer's been crazy. I've been busy. And very drunk.

I think the best part of my whole Summer was the week Gina was over. We never slept. David slept in my closet, and we made him breakfast in the morning. That was interesting.

Geo's in jail. I miss him a lot. He was like a big brother to me.

Fourth of July kicked ass. Getting trashed and going dumpster diving with Aaron's mom until 6:00 in the morning. Life can't get much better than that.
Then Jordan and I watched the sunrise over the mountains from Aaron's back porch. Beautiful.

I met the boy of my dreams. He's fucking amazing. His name is Jason.
First date, he let me drive his car, and I totally wrecked it. Crashed it into a fire hydrant.

Court again tomorrow. This is the real deal I think.



//edit//
How my first date with Jason went:
He picked me up, and his puppy was with him. He takes her EVERYWHERE with him. She's like his child. He doesn't like her staying at his apartment alone, so we took her to his parents' house so she could be babysat. He let me drive his car. I wrecked it. Crashed into a fire hydrant. I felt so bad, but he wasn't mad. He said his parents were rich. We went to main event to play glow in the dark minature golf. We kissed in the outerspace part. He beat my ass. We played a game of air hockey. He beat my ass again. He opens doors for me and everything. Quite the gentleman. He picked up his dog, bought beer, and rented movies. We went back to his apartment. I kicked his ass at a drinking contest, and passed out on the couch. He carried me upstairs to his bed. I was having a bad dream, so he layed with me until I calmed down. When I woke up the next morning, he made me coffee. Sweet kid.

8 comments x C'mon, kill me.

[June 16th, 2005; 11:08am]
[ mood | hyper ]

Summer's been very busy. I haven't had time to update.

Justin's a straight up asshole, and he's as dramatic as a freaking girl. But he called me yesterday after not talking to me for two weeks, and I get all giddy when he calls. I can't help it. I'm infatuated with the boy.
I love summer flings. This year's full of them. I guess I should feel kind of bad, because all these guys think I actually give a shit about them. I have like four guys right now willing to wait for me while I'm away at boot camp, and honestly I could care less. Which is horrible, I know, but I just go through guys for fun. It never MEANS anything.
Justin though... he's different. Maybe because he's so fucking good at playing hard to get. But he's quite the manwhore, and maybe I am to him what all these boys are to me. Maybe he's just fucking with my head for the fun of it.

Aaron's all the way in San Antonio. I miss that kid.
I had a little accident at his house a few weeks ago. Fucked up my face.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Very attractive.

I got accused of stealing a car last week. I was on a date, and we were getting out of the movies, and Nathan TOUCHED a car. There was a cop watching from the roof with binoculars, and I guess touching a car is reason enough to get fucking squat cars to follow us all the way down 620. We get pulled over, and I have a horrible cop phobia, so I was freaking out. I look back and there's not one cop car, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE. There's ten cops staring at us, guns drawn, dogs ready. They're yelling at us to put our hands where they can see them. "Driver, take the keys our of the ignition, and slowly place them on the hood. Step out of the vehicle, turn around, and slowly walk towards the sound of my voice" Alex gets out, gets on his knees, they tackle him down, elbow him in the head, and cuff him. One by one we get thrown in the back of cop cars and interrogated for two hours. They finally let everyone go at one in the morning... except for me. I went off on the pigs about how my rights had been violated, and how they're whole exsistance was worthless, and they should have better things to do then harrass poor kids. They didn't like that too much, so they had my mom come pick me up.

I failed two piss tests the other day. I've been toking up all summer, because I stopped giving a fuck. Now I have to go to those stupid drug classes longer. I was JUST about to graduate too. My PO doesn't know yet, and I'm FUCKED when I go to court. There's no getting around boot camp now. Maybe even worse. But I don't even care anymore. Boot camp? Fucking bring it. At least I'll be in shape when I get back.


FUCK YOU, WILLIAMSON COUNTY! YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME.

7 comments x C'mon, kill me.

I made it through another day at least. That was more than expected. [June 2nd, 2005; 12:20pm]
[ mood | cornered ]

I just got back from court. I have some good news, and some bad news.

Good news: Out of some miracle of God, I didn't get drug tested today. My attorney reschedualed court again. I have until the 23rd, which is almost a whole month. Not exactly a CARE FREE month... I'm still on probation. I could get drug tested any day, and I'm always taking a big risk by never following cerfew. But at least they're prolonging this a bit more.
I haven't been to drug treatment classes in two weeks. The judge REALLY isn't going to be happy about that. This is fucking bullshit that those stupid classes continue to waste my time, even during the summer.

Bad news: When the 23rd comes around, I am FUCKED beyond repair. I don't even think my attorney can do much. This isn't about all my violations anymore, now I've got another posession charge to deal with. That's what fucked me over. Our insurance plan is possibly the shittiest in existance, so they won't pay for jack shit; my dad wants nothing to do with my fuck ups, so HE won't pay for shit, and my mom is dirt poor, so she CAN'T pay for shit. It's completely up to the state to pay for me, and the state doesn't think I am deserving of a nice stay in a decent rehab phacility, so they decided today that they weren't going to pay for shit either. The only options left are the Academy for nine months, or TYC until my 21st birthday. And since I've got a felony charge way back in the day, I am eligable for TYC. Now I don't think any of you can grasp how horrible those places are.

My mom started crying and said she'd try her hardest to get a loan or something so I could get some REAL help in rehab. My dad told me to stay positive, and I glared at him and walked away. I don't even feel like talking to that asshole. He can just go home to his perfect wife, in his perfect little house in the country, and live his perfect, carefree life that doesn't have me in it. Sorry I was never good enough for you, dad.

This is some fucking bullshit. I go to my probation officer, tell her I have an out of control cocaine addiction and ask for help. So what does good old Williamson County do for me?
"She wants help? Well we don't feel like paying for her to get some REAL help, so we'll throw her ass in boot camp. She wants off drugs? Well we'll just send her somewhere where she won't even have the opportunity to do drugs for quite a while."

Wow, THANKS, state of Texas! Gosh Golly, it's just great to know everyone's so concerned about my well being.

14 comments x C'mon, kill me.

"Somebody get me out of here, I'm tearing at myself." [June 1st, 2005; 11:01pm]
[ mood | overwhelmed ]

This will probably be my last entry for quite a while.
I'm sorry to everyone I've dissappointed, and I'm sorry to everyone I've let down. I'm sorry to everyone that tried so hard for me, and sat by and watched me destroy myself. I'm sorry to everyone who just couldn't take it anymore and had to give up on me. Because I've just accepted that I'm beyond help, and I'm a waste of everyone's time.

I can't fuck up anymore where I'm going. It's going to take a miracle for me to pass the piss test tomarrow. And I don't think God likes me all that much. I've taken every pill I can get my hands on to help flush my sytem. I've got powders, and gels, and pills out the asshole. I downed a bottle of bleach water, I've downed a big ass cup of straight up vinegar... all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope for the best, or grit and bear the consiquences of being such a fuck up.

But no big deal if I fail, right? Just being detained for ten days or so. Nothing to sweat. That's what I figured.
I spent the night at Aaron's last night. One last time to party my little heart out. I'm invincable when I'm high. Nothing matters when I'm high. Between Aaron and I, that whole quarter ounce was gone by morning.
My mom called the next day to tell me that my PO had been looking for me. I finally got a hold of her, high as shit, and she gave me the number to some place in Dallas they're sending me to, so I could do an assesment over the phone. She said this five minute phone conversation was vital, because if I didn't come off as cooperative, and didn't get accepted, they had a nice phacility waiting for me in Corpus. A nine month placement. Close campus... in other words, complete lock down. The state would be more than happy to pay for my stay THERE. The lady asked if I had done any drugs in the past thirty days. I said no. I didn't know what else to say. The lady said I didn't qualify for in-patient, and now it was all up to wheather or not the state felt like wasting their money on me to be in such a nice place.

Court's 9:00 tomarrow morning. Everyone's expecting me to pass. But I don't even know if they believe me when I say that I'm clean anymore.

I wish I could just make all of this go away. I've never felt so overwhelmed in my whole life.
I need Justin here so bad. I need someone to hold me.
Justin doesn't give a shit though. I haven't even talked to him in two days. He's got better things to do than spend these last few days with me. He'd fucking KILL me if he knew I fucked up again. I wish I could be better for him.

2 comments x C'mon, kill me.

Junkie... heh. I hate that word. [May 30th, 2005; 2:56pm]
[ mood | irritable ]

Wow, I think I'm about to cry. I'm too sensitive perhaps... but Travis is one of the few people I actually respect right now. One of the few people that actually helped SO much when it comes to supporting me through all of this. He's the FIRST one I called when the withdrawls got so horrible I thouhgt I would die.
I don't even know what to think.

mark x my words: I am not a fucking junkie
Cardinal Flip: fuck that, your a junkie
Cardinal Flip: ive tried being nice
Cardinal Flip: and supportive
Cardinal Flip: and helping you out and shit
Cardinal Flip: but no
Cardinal Flip: no fucking avail
Cardinal Flip: i hope to a non existant god at some point the words i say one day hit the right neuron while your locked up
Cardinal Flip signed off at 2:55:26 PM.

Ouch.
Yeah, I'm actually so insulted by that that I'm crying right now. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Am I really that fucking horrible of a person?
I guess I won't be hanging out with him tonight after all.

//edit//
I just had another break down. Jesus. It wasn't even THAT that got me so upset... it's just like after so many people getting fed up with my shit and abandoning me because I'm too much of a fuck up, or too much of a junkie... it's like that's the last straw. And maybe I'm beyond help or something. No one sticks around at all for me. I'm such a fuck up, I can't even keep a stable friend. Everyone gives up on me. I've got way too many problems, no one wants to deal with it. People get fed up with watching me fuck up, but that's just who I am. A fuck up. I'm actually getting pretty used to this.
But Travis of all people... that just shocked me.


"I've been trying so hard.
I've been secretly falling apart."



Image hosted by Photobucket.com
...my knuckles hurt.

11 comments x C'mon, kill me.

JUSTIN SMITH IS AMAZING, AND I WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD! [May 29th, 2005; 11:21pm]
[ mood | safe ]

Saturday night Freeman and Gurley came down from Fort Hood. Cassie and I stayed with them in a hotel like old times. Our usual room number, 106. Then I came home and chilled with Curtis for the last time before he moves back to Liberty Hill. Everyone's moving. It's lame.
Today I drove all around town with Mike while he "ran erronds", and got the day's worth of hustling taken care of. I hate being around people when they're hustling, and I hate being a part of that shit. I don't even like being around it anymore. That's how Mike makes a living, and I can respect that, but when Sean got locked up, and everyone else ended up either in jail or rehab... I was relieved to be away from that shit. I don't want to be involved with the game, OR the people anymore. At least not when they're "working".

I talked to Justin for three hours today. I feel SO relieved now that we've worked things out.
That kid is so fucking wonderful. He makes me feel like a little kid again. When I'm talking to him, nothing else matters. All my problems seem so petty, and they no longer overwhelm me. And he actually, sincerely wants what's best for me. That's the most comforting feeling in the world.
I haven't had feelings for a guy since Austin. It had gotten to the point where I COULDN'T have feelings for anyone, even if I tried. I'd always find little flaws in every guy, and reasons to push them away. Every little fling, or potential fling, was nothing more to me than something to preoccupy my time. Just someone to kiss on for the time being. And even if I TRIED I couldn't make myself feel anything more than that. It was starting to scare me. Freeman, Levi, Josh... they were all sweet guys, but I just couldn't feel passionate about them. Or comforted by them. I was begining to think I had just completely numbed myself, and would never get attatched to anyone again.
Then along comes Justin, and he makes me so happy I could burst. I felt like a giddy little school girl again. I fell sleep happy, I woke up happy, and when I was with him I couldn't stop smiling. I was actually genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. And when I thought I lost that, I was about ready to completely give up on guys. He went at least a week without talking to me, and I didn't have a chance of getting a word in with him on the phone, so I wrote him a letter telling him everything he never gave me the chance to say. And I'm pretty damn good with words, if I might say so myself. I figured he wouldn't even bother to read it, but he did, and he said it really made him think, so he called me today for the first time in a week or two.
He explained to me that he wasn't like Matt, and he wasn't going to just sit back and watch while I fucked up my life. He wasn't going to take my mistakes over and over again like Matt did. HE wouldn't stand for that. He said he wanted me to stay clean not because he was a jackass, but because he really cared about me, and that nothing I said would convince him that I was capable of staying clean now that I'd lost his trust. He said If I wanted him to believe me, he didn't want me to tell him, he wanted me to SHOW him.
I told him I was starting to get really attatched to him, and it scared me. I told him I was scared to getting close to someone, and scared of losing someone all over again, and scared of going through another heartbreak, and scared of getting hurt for the millionth time. He promsied me he would never hurt me, and he would do whatever he could to make sure I was happy. He said all he wanted for me was to get better.
And our conversation was just just three hours of sweet assuring things like that. I've heard all that shit before, but for once it was actually SINCERE. And I can tell.
I'm actually going to try for him. I'm going to get my shit together finally... if not for myself, for him. Because this one's a keeper. I don't want to fuck this up.
I'm just so scared that when I get back from rehab he'll have found someone new. Someone better. He said he couldn't promise anything, but he COULD promise that if anything WERE to happen while I was away, he would always be here for me as a friend, because he knew how much I needed people that care in my life right now. But it wasn't like when Austin told me that. Justin actually meant it.

Now for my daily pointless rant about nothing:
I was talking to Kaylan today, and completely opening up to her. (She's in Dallas for a few weeks and living it up.) We talked about a lot of things I needed to talk about, and I told her a lot of things I've never told anyone before. It felt kind of good to finally tell someone about some of the things that eat me up inside. There's a lot about me no one knows. I just don't like burdening people with my problems when I know they have their own to deal with. And there's a lot of things that I just try to forget happened, and some things I just don't like talking about.
Besides, the more people know about you, the more people judge you. And most times it's pretty hard to trust people to keep their mouth shut anyway. There's nothing more frustrating than the whole world knowing about your personal life.
Most things that get spread around I have no control over. People will always talk. But there is SOME things that I can keep to myself. And I figure the only way too truly have a personal life, and keep the things you don't want known unknown, is to simply keep everything to yourself. So from now on, I'm done opening up to anyone. I like having things to keep to myself anyway. It makes me feel secure. And if no one ever knows about the things that I think about, or the things I do, or some of the horrible things I've gone through... I appear more sane.
The only two people in the whole world that truly understand me and know everything about me are Sarina and Kaylan. The loves of my life.
I haven't had Sarina to talk to for the past week though. She's living it up in Kirville, and after that she's off to California for a few months. Lucky gal.



PS, everyone leave your adress so I can write shitloads of letters from rehab. I'll have nothing better to do with my time.
Eep... I'm going to come back such a nutcase. Even more than I already am.

1 comment x C'mon, kill me.

More whining. [May 28th, 2005; 2:20pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Five days until court. I don't even think anyone's attempted to find an attorney either. Oh well. I should be worrying about getting all that fucking pot out of my system, but I'm not all that worried about it yet. I'll worry about it later.
It's Summer time again. Usually this time of year is very exciting and carefree. But not this year. I haven't really been doing anything except spending all my time at Levi's house watching all the skinheads get high.
I spent all Thursday night with Travis. Kind of like a going away thing. I love that kid. We got drunk one last time and watched corny horror movies.
Last night Nick, Nikki, and Julian picked me up for Nicole's hotel party. It was lame and there was word about it getting busted, so we deuced. Then we went back to Nick's and passed out.

Justin still hasn't said a word to me. I don't understand how out of NO WHERE, he can be such a jackass. The way he reacted was so cruel and heartless. We weren't even fucking dating yet, who the hell is he to tell me that I can't smoke?! And the hypocritical baastard goes and buys a sack the next day. Whatever. I'll never understand guys. I'm really getting sick of getting my hopes up just to end up hurt. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't think people know what they're doing to me by fucking with my head like this. I'm so delicate, and people just don't get that.

C'mon, kill me.

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